


falling down around me

by dancebreaknervous



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Break Up, Drugs, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Songfic, Suicide, The Split
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 15:42:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8108116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancebreaknervous/pseuds/dancebreaknervous
Summary: A songfic for C'mon.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is sad as shit
> 
> listen to c'mon by p!atd while reading

_it’s getting late, and i  
cannot seem to find my way home tonight  
feels like i am falling down a rabbit hole  
falling for forever, wonderfully wandering alone_

 

Ryan’s mouth moved, but the words weren’t registering in Brendon’s brain. The clock read midnight- why was Ryan still up? He should be sleeping. He would be grumpy in the morning if he didn't- a madman in search of coffee. Brendon realized he was crying, but he didn’t know why until words started flowing from his own mouth, loud and harsh as he stood. Jon cringed.

_what would my head be like  
if not for my shoulders_

 

The lamp soared over Ryan’s head. Ryan ducked with a carefully practiced reaction time, eyes showing clear betrayal and fear. 

_or without your smile  
may it follow you forever  
may it never leave you  
to sleep in the stone,  
may we stay lost on our way home_

“Leave, then! Fucking leave, damn you!” Brendon was yelling, reaching for Ryan, trying to catch him and keep him from leaving. These words weren't his. Ryan was. Ryan was his.

_c’mon, c’mon, with everything falling down around me  
i’d like to believe in all the possibilities_

 

Brendon stared as Jon moved in front of Ryan, shielding him from Brendon. Why was he scared of Brendon? 

_if i should die tonight_

 

Brendon stared out the window. Ryan was trying to talk to Spencer. There was a sharp noise, Spencer’s palm colliding with Ryan’s cheek.

_may i first just say i’m sorry  
for i, never felt like anybody_

 

Jon was calling a cab. “Fuck you guys,” he spat, grabbing his duffel. Brendon’s breath caught. Spencer was clutching onto Ryan. He was crying. Ryan wasn’t. He looked numb. He was beautiful, even numb.

_i am a man of many hats although i  
never mastered anything_

 

Ryan had smiled. “Brendon, these are pretty good.”   
“Pretty. Odd.,” Brendon had remarked. Ryan had laughed. Why wasn’t he smiling now? 

_when i am ten feet tall  
i’ve never felt much smaller, since the fall_

 

When Brent had left, Brendon had cried. He cried and cried, wept and sobbed, stuffed into his bunk. He didn’t even know why- Brent was always particularly mean to him. Ryan had rubbed his back. Where was Ryan’s warmth? Not next to Brendon.

_nobody seems to know my name  
so don’t leave me to sleep all alone  
may we stay lost on our way home?_

 

Brendon threw the bedside bible. It hit Ryan on the side of the head. Ryan fell. Jon’s shouting got louder. 

Brendon was an idiot. Where were they going? 

Brendon only started crying when he saw the best thing that has ever happened walk out the door. 

_c’mon, c’mon, with everything falling down around me  
i’d like to believe in all the possibilities_

The next person to shout was Spencer. “It’s your fucking fault, Brendon! Not mine!” Brendon didn’t look up. 

Spencer reached for his bag. There was a rattling noise. Brendon burst into tears suddenly, gripping at his hair and pulling.

_c’mon, c’mon, with everything falling down around me  
i’d like to believe in all the possibilities_

Spencer’s talking and rambling quieted down. He slumped against the bed. Brendon tried to calm himself down. He pulled the blanket over his friend and started to pace. His eyes landed on Ryan’s notebook. Pain. Pain. Pain.

_try not to mistake what you have with what you hate  
it could leave, it could leave, come the morning_

When Brendon woke up, he reached for where Ryan was. He’d apologize for the fight, they'd kiss and make up. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

_celebrate the night  
it’s the fall before the climb  
shall we sing, shall we sing, 'til the morning_

The time passed in a blur. Dallon was there. Ian. They were sweet, understanding, just friends. They said they wouldn't rush him on new music. Ryan would have liked new music. 

Brendon’s pen was still rested on the paper. The ink was blotting. He crumpled it up and tossed it. Spencer mumbled something about litter. Wasted ass.

_if i fall forward, you fall flat  
and if the sun should lift me up  
would you come back? c’mon!_

 

All Brendon wanted was his moon. His talented moon. His beautiful moon. His sexy moon. His handsome moon.

His moon wasn’t his. Solar eclipse. Blackout.

_c’mon, c’mon, with everything falling down around me  
i’d like to believe in all the possibilities_

 

There was hope. An offer to do a song for a movie. Spencer was fucked up. He was drunk. What was new?

_c’mon, c’mon, with everything falling down around me  
i’d like to believe in all the possibilities  
_

 

Brendon sat on the roof until Ian had convinced him that jumping would be a waste. A waste of what, a body bag? He laughed at his own jokes. Ryan would have called him self centered. Only teasing.

_so c’mon, c’mon, with everything falling down around me  
i’d like to believe in all the possibilities_

Ryan stopped calling. Maybe he realized that he broke whatever they had when he brought them to that damn cabin. 

_it’s getting late_  
Midnight  
 _and i, cannot seem to find my way_  
The wind whipped his hair. It always was so pretty, the water below him. Ryan used to sit on this bridge, tell Brendon about the significance of hanging your legs over the edge, flirting with disaster.

_home tonight_

Brendon fell.


End file.
